Black Irish humor
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch. 
Dick had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man in a red plaid shirt is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.
Thought you might like to come at about 5:00....'
'Great', says Rick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Rick.. 'After 2 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ' More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Rick, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley .
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley , and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) ->
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ...
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over
to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
....Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Two cannibals are enjoying a meal together
One looks to the other with a concerned look and says "I really hate my Mother in law"
The other looks back and says,
"well then just eat the rice"
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room watching the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea," which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up. Then she says,
(as only a mother would know .... )
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.
He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, '
Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
On vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it.
As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to Heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.
Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.
I finished my tour in Ireland . I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN 25 cents." "Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"
The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call...
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy...
The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high
and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'
She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'
He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'
She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'
He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this $hit but me.' 
Here I was, minding my own business, buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dog.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog... What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time.
On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her no... I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my balls, and a car hit me. 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Jameson Christmas Cookies
Indredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jameson's Irish Whiskey
Sample the Jameson to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Jameson again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer… Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it’s best to make sure the Jameson is still OK, try another cup.. just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off the floor..
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Jameson to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a shz. Check the Jameson already Would ya!
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Jameson and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car:
- both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?' 
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift:
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'”
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
Happy Thanksgiving!
Grandmas Don't Know Everything :
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's
that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is
On top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell
Him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to
Play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
A man went to church one day:
and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?' 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out:
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the chocolate martinis.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, Diane, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said Diane's husband,'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' 
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!
'His friend looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storms up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S H0RNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!
IT WAS A HOT SATURDAY EVENING IN THE SUMMER OF 1960 AND FRED HAD A DATE WITH PEGGY SUE:
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have
a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?
Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a
matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and
with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The dance is called the Twist!'
A MUSHROOM WALKS INTO A BAR:
he says : Hey bartender gimme a glass of whiskey. The bartender says, "I can't serve you your a mushroom" the Mushroom says c'mon... I'm a FUN-GI.
A MAN AND WOMAN ARE GETTING READY FOR WORK:
The woman comes into the bedroom and stands in front of the mirror. She says to her husband "I miss the body I had when I was 20. Now I feel kinda old and flabby..... Pay me a compliment".
The husband turns to his wife lovingly and says, "Honey...Your eysight is perfect"
A GUY GOES INO THE SUPERMARKET:
He notices an attractive woman waving to him. She says "hello". He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
He asks her - "do you know me?" to which she replies - " I think you're the father of one of my kids."
His mind travels back to the one time he was unfaithful to his wife and says - "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your parter whipped my butt with wet celery?
She looks into his eyes and says calmly... "No I'm your son's teacher" 
TWO OLD GUYS ARE SITTING AT A BAR:
The first one says, "Ya Know... when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it... not even with both hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. When I turned 50 I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week and I can bend it in half with just one hand." "So" says the other Drunk, "What's your point?"...
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get...."
AN OLD COUPLE IS SITTING IN CHURCH.
THE OLD WOMAN LEANS OVER TO HER HUSBAND AND WHISPERS "I JUST LET OUT A SILENT FART. WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
THE OLD MAN LEANS OVER TO HER AND SAYS, "FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO GET A NEW BATTERY FOR YOUR HEARING AID... HAHA... GET IT?
Well.....we didnt say they were good jokes.
